Last post ever on this blog

I am considered cured.  No sign after three years is what they look for with throat cancer.  If it isn't there, any cancer occurrence later is considered a new cancer.  Just thought I should write this for anyone who happens on the blog...

PET scan still clear

Two years after treatment all is well.  My most recent PET scan was still clear.  Most of my saliva function is back. I still have problems with spicy foods, but I have no other issues.  So, everything is peachy! (Ed. note:  Well, I do still have tinnitus from the cisplantin, but having a weedwacker sound in my brain hasn't bother me as yet.)

PET scan clear

Of course, my doctor said I had to wait to see her in person to get the results from the PET scan.  And, if the results where negative, I am sure that would have been the case.  But she called and said all is clear.  I had totally expected that result, by the way.  I could tell that the radiation was very, very effective.

The good news is that I am eating very well here in DC. Last night I had a salad and lasagna (thanks, Jane!), followed a Reese's peanut butter cup (thanks, Leslie!) and a See's candy piece (thanks, Mom!).  I haven't eaten much candy in years but weighing 125 pounds gives me a lot of freedom.

As for as I am concerned, this completes this blog.  If I post anything in the future, it will be on my regular (very, very irregular) blog here.

Thanks for all your support!

Finally, progress!

Well, the good news is I am actually improving, and rather rapidly as a matter of fact.  Less than a week ago I was stuck morning and night with the same food lest my mouth explode in a burst of pain.  But, almost overnight, I have been able to add all sorts of food successfully.  It began when Leslie made some delicious Pappardelle Alfredo, which went down very nicely.  So, I started to try other things—chow mein, string beans, bananas, onions, refried beans, Zachary's potatoes, nuts, watermelon (not juiced) and yogurt with blueberries.  In general, I don't eat junk food but I have a fondness for Jack-in-the-Box's taco and onion rings and McDonald's Big Mac and fries, so, yes, I bought and ate those.  Now, not everything went down easily, but nothing led to vicodin.  It's been about five days since my last eruption of intense mouth pain, so I clearly have turned a corner.  

Leslie and I actually ate the same meal at the same time yesterday.  That was the first time since early May.

And this improvement came just in the nick of time!  I leave for a month this coming Tuesday for DC (and a side trip to NYC). I am staying by myself in a friend's condo. I am so relieved that I won't have to cook every meal!  I hate to cook.

The grind...

Damn, this mouth just isn't getting better.  Both my ENT and my radiologist have officially labeled me a "slow healer".  Dr. Kim says she isn't worried. (How nice for her.) She claims that some people just don't heal as fast.  I have noticed.  I continue to eat a lot of dairy: eggs, milk, cheese, yogurt.  I can only thank the universe that I don't feel compelled to be a vegan. I seem to be allergic to most fruits and vegetables.

On occasion, it all gets to me and I sit in my big black chair and cry.  Mostly, I am just fine.

Anyway, Dr, Kim suggested that I push back my PET scan a few weeks to allow for the mouth to heal a bit more.  For those who don't remember, that is the one that will show if the cancer has cleared from by body. So, the scan is now Sept 12th.  The only problem is that I will be going to the East coast from Sept 13th - October 11th.  So, I won't have the results until I return. I will let you all know the results then.  It's a cliffhanger!

Why not me? (And other random thoughts on The Cancer)

Seriously, if someone has to have cancer at a relatively young age, it should be me.

The day I knew that I probably had cancer—and late-stage cancer was likely as tonsil cancer symptoms tend to present after it is pretty serious—I made my peace with it.  Of course, it came as a shock, but I made a quick inventory of my life and decided that, whether this ended up killing me or not, I had led a charmed life and I could call it complete if that was the reality. Obviously, I was committed to do what I could to send it into remission.  I just figured that it was better me than most people.

If we didn’t have health insurance…

If we didn’t have plenty of material resources…

If I didn’t have Leslie…

If I was still working…

If I had children…

If my life had been one of struggle and heartbreak…

Then, I well might have said “why me?” 

But, with all that I have been given in life and all my good fortune, why not me?  Plus, I have a 90% survival rate.  That makes it all ever-so-much easier.

On “Fighting” Cancer

Above, I put fighting in quotes because I don’t feel I am fighting. I feel I am experiencing, just like always. When I keep living after the treatment is over—as I am pretty damn sure I am going to do—I am not going to feel like a “survivor”.  I am just going to feel the same as always, alive.

People keep telling me they like my attitude.  I will tell you what is the foundation of my attitude: I am going to die (and so are you). Of something. If this ends up killing me, it’s the thing that killed me.  Something will.  I am not fearful of death. I am not one of those folks who want to live forever.  I want to live as long as I can in a healthy, happy way.  If I can no longer do that, than I will be ready to pass away. And leave the world to those just born. To quote Laura Nyro (who, incidentally, died at 49 of ovarian cancer): 

And when I die, and when I’m gone,

There’ll be one child born

in this world to carry on.

That is beautiful, wondrous cycle of life.  I completely embrace it.

Dying, like cancer, will be another experience. It will be the last experience, of course.  But, I plan to exit laughing. Or listening to Wagner’s quintet from Die Meistersinger.  One or the other.

Getting your priorities straight

Lots of people have suggested that this experience will lead to a reordering of my priorities in life, seeing more clearly what’s important and what’s not.  I am sure that does happen to people whose priorities don’t match up with their deepest desires, but I actually don’t have that issue.  I have known for several years what I want to do with my remaining years.  That is, using my skills to help my friends and family. Leslie wouldn’t mind if I dialed back some of that helpfulness (and I am trying a little bit, honey, I really am!)

People kept telling me that I had to stop focusing on other people and really focus just on myself.  But, that is just silly.  Helping people is what I want to do in my life, what gives me the most satisfaction.  Why on earth would I want to stop the thing that makes me the happiest during one of the worst periods of my life?  I wasn’t—and didn’t—let cancer reorder that priority. While I was a total hermit during much of the treatment and for a period after, I kept all my commitments to people, even from my hospital bed.  And, that made me happy.

Update

My mouth is the same as it has been for quite awhile.  It is going to be a really slow process.  Don't expect an update saying that I am back to semi-normal for months.  It just isn't going to heal quickly.  Oh well.  I have one thing I can eat for breakfast that doesn't hurt (bread pudding with soy milk and a poached egg) and I have one thing I can eat for dinner that doesn't hurt ( a soup with chicken stock with an egg, milk and  cheese).  Hmmm, I eat some other things that hurt a bit (protein shake) and sashimi. I try things.  Most don't work.  Like I said, oh well. I am a happy person in spite of this.  I have Leslie (26 years yesterday) and I have Ziggy (just an almost perfect dog).  My friends and family. A great house.  And way more. I am one lucky person.

Seven weeks past treatment

I am actually worse than I was at the last post.  I don't know what is going on, but my mouth is actually on a downward trajectory.  I have had to deal with the general mouth soreness, an occasionally acute pain that is on the right side of my mouth, lots of canker sores and, recently, a herpes outbreak within my mouth.  So, I am actually eating less than I could before. Drats.

But, besides whining about it to Leslie a good bit (poor Leslie!!), if you saw me you would think everything is just fine.  And, really, it is.  It is just going to take longer than I hoped.  I think this part is intended to increase my patience as a human being.  It is sort of working.

My radiologist gave me a prescription to help with the herpes.  I see my ENT on Tuesday and perhaps he will have other suggestions. 

Hanging in there...This too shall pass.